Burn Your Life Down
by HelenItsme
Summary: When someone you love dies, it feels like the world around you stops moving. And when people start to blame you, you feel like you want to go to sleep and never wake up. Maybe the best way to handle this situation is trying to make things better. But how?
1. Chapter 1

_Authors note; hey guys. so this is my newest story! i know i've still got another story unfinished, but this idea has been spinning in my head for ages to a point where i just couldn't ignore it anymore. so here it is; a dark, angsty, story. **warning**: character death. hope you'll like it and don't forget to review. _

* * *

**Burn Your Life Down.**

.inconsolable.

Brooke hadn't slept for three days. The only thing she could do was stare at the ceiling above her, eyes wide open even though she couldn't see a single thing because of the dark that was surrounding her.

Tonight was the fourth night, and her eyes were now able to make out the dirt spots on the ceiling, finally getting used to the darkness after hours of just laying there doing nothing.

She didn't know what was worse, pretending to be strong during the day or laying awake crying at night. At least now she was able to get it all out of her system. At least now she didn't need to put on a brave face and a tight, fake smile.

If someone told her a week ago that the dark didn't come soon enough for her, she would have laughed. Now, there was nothing more truly than that.

Her thoughts drifted to a certain boy, thinking about how unfair this all was to him. The cute smile he used on _her_ when he got his way or glancing at _her_ when his free throw went in, nothing but net. He wasn't able to do all of that anymore, because now, she was gone.

In the short four years of his life he had the best time and the best mom, who with all her kindness and love and affection took care of him with her whole heart. Brooke was sure that he still, after four days of not speaking, didn't really understand nor realized that his mommy wouldn't come back from work. Not ever.

Brooke didn't even want to think about in what kind of state _her_ husband must be in now. He had been a complete mess when Haley had gone on tour back in high school. He must be more than a train wreck now. In fact, she wouldn't be surprised to find him laying somewhere dead because of an overdose or maybe with a gun still in his hand. He had to be miserable, heartbroken. It had to _kill_ him.

She shook her head. He wouldn't do that. He wasn't the kind of person who would leave his son alone with two dead parents at the age of four. Swallowing back the lump in her throat, Brooke did the best she could to erase that word from spinning in her head.

Dead.

Haley James-Scott was dead.

And there was nothing she could do to bring her back.

"Hales, you have to come, you promised! Peyton and Lindsay are already here giving each other these looks that could kill and I'm sitting in between them trying to keep them tamed. I need you here and do that thing that you always do and calm them down!"

"_Brooke hun, I need you to take a deep breath first ok? You are rambling." She laughed. "And as much as I would to see them fighting for the thousandth time, I'm not sure I can make it. Traffic is a bitch. Basically, I'm in the same spot for twenty minutes. If you're lucky I will arrive at your place in an hour."_

"_You're lucky I love you tutor-mom." Brooke muttered, making her sound more annoyed than she actually was. "Can't you just hurry up a little?"_

"_As soon as I can get out of the traffic jam I promise I would cross the speed limit." _

"_Don't use your sarcasm on me missy, you know that the policemen can't resist your charm. If they make you pull over just flash that bright smile of yours and if that doesn't work then flash them for all I care, as long as you get here as soon as possible!"_

"_Oh Nathan is going to love that one."_

"_Not as much as the police officers will." _

_Haley let out a snort. "You're charming Brooke, really. Now we both know the only person who flashes police officers would be you."_

"_You just did not say that!"  
_

"_But I did. You know it's the truth."_

"_Whatever. It was one time."_

_The mom let out a laugh as she heard her friend's grumble. "Hey listen, I'm going to hang up now because it looks like we're moving again."_

"_Good. And remember, hurry up."_

"_Yeah yeah, see you soon."_

But she wouldn't.

God, she wished she hadn't pushed Haley so much to hurry up. It wasn't her fault really. The one time that she had driven trough a red light didn't do her harm either. Why did Haley have to be hit by a car? Why did that one red light had to be the end of her? It was just all too familiar for her.

A single tear ran down her cheek, forming a large drop on her chin before slowly falling down. The thought of Peyton blaming her was almost too much to handle. When her mother had died the exact same way all those years ago, Brooke hadn't left the blonde's side for weeks. Every day she would pick Peyton up for school, surprising her with different little presents just trying to help her trough the day.

It wasn't as if Brooke had forced Haley to ignore the red light, or that she had forced her into driving way over the speeding limit.

"_Can't you just hurry up a little?"_

But she had.

Guilt was washing all over her again, forming a tight knot in the pit of her stomach. She wasn't really the blame for Haley's death, was she? There was no way that she could have predicted this to happen. She didn't wish for this.

Looking over at her right side, she let out a sigh. 5:32. Almost time to get up and face reality. She couldn't believe she hadn't shut her eyes once in four nights. The truth was, she was beyond exhausted. The ache in her heart was the only thing that was stopping her from doing so. Because if she did, if she did shut her eyes and let sleep wash over her, it would be like she felt no remorse. No pain. No guilt. No nothing. As if there wasn't a single thing that stopped her from a long, comfortable sleep.

The real truth was, the day that Brooke Davis was going to close her eyes just once would be the day when she wouldn't feel any guilt, or pain, or heartache or sadness.

She was sure she wouldn't get a good night sleep for years.

--

.apprehensive.

The thought that she was standing in front of her mirror for almost two hours made her sick to the stomach. When she watched herself, she saw a beautiful women who looked almost like pure perfection. Her shiny hair was hanging loosely on her shoulders, all flourish and wavy. Her make-up was outstanding, making her eyes smoking and her lips kissable.

And then there was the dress.

God, that black dress made her look like she was about to step on a catwalk and make every man in the room go crazy.

She wished she could step on that catwalk and forget everyone and anyone around her, only having to focus on her walk that had to be in the right rhythm. The saddest thing was though, she wasn't a model, and nobody needed her to act like one.

Because today, she didn't need to act at all. Today was the day that she could let it all go, let her emotions run free just like everybody did when they were at a funeral.

Too bad it wasn't that easy.

"I can do this." She whispered. "I am beautiful and brave just like Lucas wrote in his first novel. I can get through this. I can and I will."

The more words she spoke out loud the worse they sounded. The more they sounded like lies.

One hand covered her mouth, trying to block the sob that was threatening to spill out. She wasn't going to break down. Not today. Not now. She had to be strong, not only for Nathan or Jamie or Peyton or Lucas or anybody else. She had to be strong for herself mostly, because if she broke down now, she didn't know if she would ever be able to stop.

--

.devastated.

Her eyes were open and looking at the coffin in front of her but she wasn't really _looking_. She had zoned out as soon as she arrived, avoiding the looks people were giving her. Were they really blaming her?

Then she saw a little boy in a black suit, his arms stiff and hands clasped tight just staring at the space in front of him just like she'd done minutes ago. For the first time she really did open her eyes and walked over towards him. Slowly placing a hand on his shoulder, she saw him looking up at her.

It was the saddest look she had ever seen.

"I want her back Brooke. Please make her come back!" His eyes were begging and as the tears streamed down his face, Brooke set her jaw. Every vibe in her body was screaming to break down with him, but she didn't.

Instead she stuttered, "I-I can't."

His bottom lip trembled. "But she's my mommy! I didn't mean it when I said I liked Carrie more than her. I was being stupid and I really didn't mean it!"

"I know you don't like Carrie more than her, hunnie. And I think your mommy knows that too."

As Brooke bend over so that she could look Jamie straight in the eye, she heard him whisper, "I miss her." And before she knew it, his petite arms flew around her neck as he cried. "I miss her so much!"

"I do too, kiddo. But she will always be in our heart and memories, ok?" She ran a hand over his hair. "She was so proud of you."

"Let go of him."

They both turned around to see an angry Nathan looking at her as if she was some kind of murderer. He looked even worse than she'd imagined. His hair didn't have any wax or gel in it. He had put on a suit for the funeral but the whole outfit was just wrong put together. She guessed he didn't spend so much time picking it out as she had. Not that she blamed him.

It were his eyes though that gave away in how much pain he was in. He wasn't just hurt, he was devastated. Heartbroken.

"Nathan I-"

"I said, let go of him."

Jamie let his arms fall off of Brooke's shoulders as Brooke stood up.

"Nathan, please don't do this. Not here. Not in front of Jamie."

"God damn it, don't tell me what to do Brooke! You have no idea how much pain you've caused. You're not welcome here."

She stared in his eyes, searching for some kind of explanation. "You really think I'm the one to blame for Haley's death, do you?"

He marched over to her with such aggression in his step and eyes that it made her take a step back in fear. "Don't you dare say her name."

His face was only inches away from her face and he had barked it in her face which made her cringe. "It's not my fault Nathan. You and I both know that." Her voice came out in nothing more than a whisper.

"You see, that's where I think you're wrong. You didn't drive her car nor did you tell her to drive trough a red light but you did pushed and forced her to hurry up. She was driving fifty miles an hour in a thirty mile zone! And all of that because you talked only just _one_ _mile_ a minute while making her feel bad for being late."

"I miss her too, you know. I didn't wish for this!"

They were making a scene but she didn't care. In fact, she could care less about what the people thought of her at this moment. They could hate her, despise her, whatever. As long as she could convince Nathan that it was not her fault. She couldn't live with the thought of that.

"You make me sick." He spat. "I want you to leave."

That's when Lucas stepped in. "Nathan, come on don't do this. You can't put this all on Brooke. You know that's not fair."

As Nathan yanked Lucas' hand away he yelled, "You want to talk about what's unfair? Haley's death is what's unfair! My wife is fucking dead lying in a fucking coffin, that's what is unfair." He let out a sob.

"Nathan-"

"No Lucas! Don't you use your heroic self on me. It's not working, it's not bringing her back." His hands were now covering his face as he took a deep breath. "I can't, I can't do this right now."

"There is never a right time to do this." Brooke whispered.

As soon as Nathan heard what Brooke had said he walked up to her again. "I want you gone."

"Please don't do this Nathan." She repeated.

"Fuck Brooke! I mean it, get the hell out of here!"

She knew that there was no point arguing with him in the state he was in now. So she swallowed, took a deep breath and nodded.

When she walked away and turned around once more she saw Jamie staring at her with a painful expression on his face. He waved at her one time before getting dragged away by the arm by his daddy.

It was at that point, that she let her tears fall.

**To Be Continued.**


	2. Chapter 2

__

I'm sorry it took me awhile to update but I was kind of disappointed with the reviews I got so I decided to wait a little longer. But here it is, enjoy.

.extinct.

It has been two weeks since the blowout at Haley's funeral. Brooke opened the now crumbled piece of paper and began to read the words she'd written a long time ago. It was the speech she had prepared for the funeral.

"_I am going to have to get out of bed every morning and live every day with your image etched into my memory. Every time I close my eyes I will see your face, every time the room gets so silent you can hear a pin drop your voice will come to me. Every time I blink away the tears, your arms will enclose me . Every time I pray I will send hugs and kisses up to heaven just for you. My only wish is that I didn't have to live here, with you up there._

_If only I could hear your voice one more time, guiding me through, making me smile, maybe that would stop my tears. Maybe if I could just see your face my heart would stop it's grieving. Maybe if I could just let you know that I love you, and that everyone else around you loves you too, maybe that would keep my mind at ease. Maybe if I had told you one more time how much you meant to me, how much I appreciated our friendship, how much I looked up to you or how scared I am going to be without you._

_I guess those maybes give away that it's never going to get easier. There is never going to be an escape plan to pain because no matter how much I try, no matter how much I cry my life is never going to go back to the way it used to be. I know I can't just shut the door to your bedroom and hope everything disappears. I know that I can't stop myself from hoping that you will one day walk in the front door and smile as if nothing happened. I know that there will be days that it will be hard to get out of bed and look people in the eye and lie when they ask how I am. I know that its going to hurt for the rest of my life and that I will always cry, but I also know that you're in heaven now and you're away from all of the pain and everything is better for you now. I just wish I could say the same for me._

_I love you Haley and I always will, no matter where you are."_

It took her exactly thirty-six times to write that speech without getting thrown in the trashcan. Still, no words could really express what she was feeling, but this speech came damn close.

She wasn't even sad that she hadn't read those words out loud to everyone. Nobody would really hear her anyways, most of them would probably have been in some kind of daze or spaced out to a land of old memories they shared with Haley.

Staring at the fireplace and then back at the paper in her right hand, she threw it in the heath of the fire and watched it until only traces of ash where left.

She snorted. What a waste of words.

* * *

.exasperation.

The only thing that could keep her mind of off Haley was her work.

She couldn't draw though, no new ideas came to her like it usually did and her sketch paper stayed blank. Victoria wasn't so pleased to hear that, but she could care less.

Although she had fired her, it was as if it didn't really came through. Everyday her mother kept coming to the boutique, and everyday she kept middling in Brooke's business. Whether it were secret calls she made to NY or the bitchy orders she kept throwing towards her and Millicent.

Normally, she wouldn't take Victoria's crap. Normally she would tell her mother to leave and repeat her previous statement about being fired.

But she didn't say any of that because she was too tired to argue and frankly, she could use some help with all the work she still had to do. For now, she would keep her mouth shut.

"Brooke?"

For once she wasn't pleased to hear his voice. She was finally getting somewhere with a new cocktail dress she was sowing, and if she got interrupted it would only make her creative side go away. And not for just a few minutes, no, she knew that if she stopped now she wouldn't be sowing for the next few weeks.

"What is it, Luke?"

"Wow." He snarled. "I can totally feel the love."

She sighed. "I'm sorry Lucas but now isn't just the right time to pay me a visit."

"Then when is?"

Brooke guessed he had a point there. She knew why he came over. She knew what he wanted to talk about. She also knew that it was the last thing she wanted to hear and that she didn't need anymore pity speeches.

"Do you mind if we talked for just a bit? I promise it won't take long."

The brunette motioned him to come over to the couch before they both sat down with a loud thud.

For the first time she really looked at him and noticed that he didn't look very good. He probably felt just as worse as she still was feeling.

He was the first one to speak up. "I'm sorry you couldn't be there."

She knew what he was talking about, but she carefully avoided it. "Couldn't be where?"

"Her funeral. _Haley's_ funeral."

The way he said it made her want to puke. Just the thought of Haley lying three foot under the ground made her want to run to the bathroom as soon as possible. So she looked away, and avoided his gaze.

"I'm sorry but the pity party was over two weeks ago. If that's all what you wanted to say then I suggest you leave."

"That's not why I came here."

"Then what is?"

"I wanted to ask you if you could talk to Nathan for me."

She turned her head around with such high speed that she wondered if she didn't have a whiplash. "I know you were always a bit slow Lucas but in case you haven't noticed, Nathan hates me."

He purposely ignored her snide comment. "He doesn't hate you. He was just so _broken_, Brooke, those two weeks ago. He still is. And he knows you're not the one to blame, but he needed to have some kind of scapegoat just as an explanation or reason or whatever to make it easier to deal with the pain."

"That's ridiculous."

"Well can you blame him Brooke?!" He started to get angry now too. "He just lost his wife for Christ sakes!"

"You're oddly calm about this all."

Brooke knew she was pushing him. She wanted him to be angry, she wanted to send him over the edge of his own anger. Maybe then he would let his emotions run free and she would know how he really felt about this… Tragedy. Or whatever you wanted to call it. She preferred ignoring it. It was easier.

But it worked. Lucas' jaw set, and his teeth clenched. "Do you want to know why I stood up for you that day?"

His question didn't come out of the blue. In fact, she wondered why the hell it took him so long to ask her that question. It was true, she had been wondering why he stood up for her. To his own brother, who had just lost his _wife_. She couldn't find one reason why he had done it, and was curious as hell to find out.

She didn't show her curiosity though. Instead she just raised one eyebrow, waiting for an answer.

"When Keith died, I didn't have any energy left in my body that told me to live life. Same goes for my mom. I was in a really bad place, emotionally and physically because I had the feeling that if I hadn't walked away to save Peyton I could have prevent it to happen. We were dating at that time, and do you remember what you told me after I told you that I felt guilty?"

She didn't remember, so she shook her head and let him finish.

"You said that no matter how guilty I would feel, it wouldn't bring Keith back. And that no matter if I would have stayed in that school or walked away, he would always have tried to save Jimmy Edwards and get shot. Of course at that time, we didn't know it was my sick bastard father who killed him but your words made an impact on me. They kept spinning in my head until I realized you were right.

Keith still would have died, whether I was there or not. And…" He swallowed and paused. "… And Haley still would have died in a car crash, whether you told her to hurry up or not. You're not the blame, Brooke. Don't feel guilty, because it's not going to bring her back."

They remained silent for awhile, as Brooke tried to take in his words. He was right. She wasn't the blame. And although she'd told herself that all the time, she didn't really believed the words. Now, it made more sense to her.

She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. "Thank you Lucas. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"No problem. I know how it feels like if someone believes in you."

As Brooke let go of him, he asked again, "would you please talk to Nathan for me?"

"Why me? I seriously don't think I can help him. You're good with words, why don't you try?"

"I already tried a hundredth times, but he won't listen to me. Maybe, maybe because you knew Haley in a different way than I did, you can use that as an advantage for your talk. Just try, whatever you do, as long as you make him stop drinking."

This startled her. "He's drinking again?"

"Yeah, just like he did when he had the accident. Jamie is practically living at our place. Lindsay is trying to take care of him but she doesn't have this connection that you have with him."

She stood up in anger. "Why the fuck didn't you come to me sooner?"

Lucas stood up as well. "Because you weren't answering your damn phone and because you've lived your two weeks walking around in this boutique like a freaking zombie! I figured that if I didn't talk to you now, you would still walk around like this for the next months. At first I thought you would feel better after awhile, but you didn't so that's why I'm here." He looked desperate. "Please, talk to him."

She didn't hesitate this time.

"I'm going to try everything I can."

* * *

.egocentric.

All sorts of swearing words, from worse to creative to way too harsh to say out loud were running through her head. How the hell could she be so stupid? She should have known that Nathan was going to start his drinking habit again. He'd never been to rehab so there still must have been a little part in him that couldn't resist the bottle.

And now it was the perfect moment for him to grab it.

Poor Jamie. He was all she could think about. How could she be so selfish and cry herself to sleep for days and days thinking about how miserable she was without thinking about that poor little boy? She wasn't an egoistic person, that was not her nature (she could name one person who really was, but decided that she wasn't worth mentioning at this moment anyways).

"_I miss her. I miss her so much!"_

God. If she wouldn't be driving at the moment she would have broke down right now. The only thing that she would not stop from happening was the fact that she wanted to slap Nathan-damn him-Scott in the face. Of course he was heartbroken. Of course he felt like there was no point living anymore. But he had a son for Christ sakes, and it was about time he took some responsibility and show it towards his son.

In her state of anger, she forgot about the fact that she now too was driving way past the speeding limit. When she realized this she almost hit the breaks to stop the car entirely but she didn't just in time. Hitting the breaks would cause an accident for sure, and driving too fast made her think about Haley.

She shook her head, her darks locks shaking from left to right. It was not the time to get emotional again.

After a few more minutes (a little longer than it normally would take, at this point she would only drive exactly at the legal speed) she finally arrived at his place. Even from the outside you could see that there was something wrong with the family that lived in it.

The garden was a mess. Some toys were lying around, looking like they hadn't been played with in ages. The curtains were closed and Nathan's car was parked in the wrong way.

As she knocked on the door, once, twice, she knew this was not the time to be polite. He wouldn't answer the door anyways, so she used her spare key.

"Hello? Is someone in here?"

Before she had a chance to say more, she felt two pair of strong hands grabbing her waist an not even a second later she was thrown over that person's shoulder. At first she was shocked, but when she saw where Nathan was taking her she got downright pissed off.

"Nathan put me down!"

He didn't say anything, and with his free hand he opened the front door and pushed her outside, before throwing it right in her face.

Brooke banged on the door in anger. "Open the fucking door, Nathan!"

Again, there was no response.

"I'm going to ring the bell and knock and bang on this fucking door until you open it so I suggest you spare yourself a headache by just letting me in!"

Silence.

Then, after fifteen more minutes of ringing the bell constantly and knocking the door till she didn't feel her knuckles anymore, she gave up.

Sighing, she said loud enough for him to hear, "so this is it? You're just going to ignore everyone and everything around you? I'm not here to give you a speech Nate, I'm here to see Jamie. At this point I could care less about your ass but I do care about that little four year old of yours. So just let me in and let me talk to him!"

It wasn't a complete lie. She did wanted to see Jamie. But she was also here for Nathan, whether he liked it or not.

She waited for him to open the door, but when he didn't, she let her shoulders drop and walked away back to her car.

She should have known she wasn't the right person either that could get trough him.

But then something happened, just seconds before she stepped into her car.

The sound of an opening door was heard, and when she turned her head around she saw him standing in the doorway.

"Are you going to come in or what?"

**To Be Continued.**


End file.
